Stuff White Christians Like

I’ve been reading Jonathan Acuff’s new book based on his website, Stuff Christians Like. It’s a mockumentary montage of the Christian Subculture in all its shades of the rainbow. Imagine my glee (Oooh, that’s not a word I use a lot!) when I came across this blog: Stuff White Christians Like! Here you’ll find a list of stuff we (as a whole, stereotypically, and evangelically) “like.” Have a look. It’ll make you laugh, maybe cry. Perhaps it could be enlightening too…

Here’s the latest in the list:

#80 Post-Worship Refreshments

As their pastor wraps up the third point of the sermon, and begins down the all-too-familiar application trail, there’s a lot on the white Christian’s mind: the roast in the oven,the getaway car andcleaning up the legions of candy wrappers that were unsheathed prior to thelong prayer. But while all of these things have the potential to distract white Christians, nothing gratifies as immediately as post-worship refreshments.

Upon exiting the sanctuary (or worship center) white Christians descend like vultures on the sugary smorgasbord of coffee, cookies, and lemonade.

Adults drink coffee regardless of temperature. Many white Christian churches continue to omit air conditioning, viewing it as a “worldly luxury” rather than the heaven-sent miracle that it actually is. On many summer Sundays, the church climate can rival that of the Sahara. This heat may be glimpse of what Hell must be like, but that doesn’t stop the consumption of scalding-hot coffee after the service. Even as beads of sweat form on the upper lip of said coffee-drinker, the white Christian is still able to critique the sermon during “fellowship time.”

White Christians are simple folk- they like their coffee hot, their cookies sweet, and their lemonade so tart that taste-buds swell on contact to triple their normal size. The typical white Christian lemonade recipe consists of 20% water, 40% sugar, and 50% tart. Astute readers will note that this percentage breakdown actually produces 110%- which, coincidentally, is exactly what the volunteers that have prepared the drink, give every Sunday. One sip of this lemony goodness will reflexively pucker the white Christian’s lips, preparing them for any necessary holy kisses during fellowship time.

Finally, post-worship refreshments are a great opportunity for the volunteer women’s group that is responsible for all baked goods within a 200 foot radius of the sanctuary to unload excess inventory. As a part of post-worship refreshment, white Christians can expect to see leftover bake sale brownies adjacent to Christmas paper napkins presented up to and including the month of March. Typically, by the end of the sermon, white Christians are jonesing for a sugar fix bad enough that they are willing to look beyond the seasonal decor faux pas.

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OK, so I broke my one-blog-a-day rule, but this was worth it!

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